Confessions of a Step Mom: Child Support

Listen here….

There are things that are not talked about very often.  Sometimes they’re overlooked, minimized, ignored, and belittled.  So much so, that those who fall into a situation as such, don’t even bother to express the agony, annoyance, discouragement, and hopelessness that creep in.   

 Some may say I’m biased because I’m married to my husband. And? I may be biased. At the same time, I have a front row seat to the mess of the child support system from my own stepmom perspective and from a man’s perspective as well.  I see how dreadful, depressing, stressful, and painful it is to be served with child support papers over and over again.  Most of the time it is the other party (I’m being nice here 😬) who simply want to know if there is more money being made, just so that they can attempt to benefit from every cent.  

 This blog post is not called Confessions for nothing.  This here is a true confession on what it’s like to have to deal with a concept so broken in the court system.   Since we are being honest here, I was anxious about writing this topic only because it can be a very sensitive topic to many.  Especially because society paints a certain perspective on an overplayed debilitating narrative on child support and men. There are always exceptions to the rule. 

First things first….

            Let me ease you into my raw truth by saying yes, I do agree every parent needs to play a part in supporting their child.  Child Support, although a skewed concept, was put in place for parents who are no longer together and one parent decides to have no part in the child’s life. The parent who decides to not play any type of role in the child’s life then has to pay money to the other parent to make up for the parent’s absence, in a financial aspect only.  The custodial parent (the parent who has the kid fulltime) files paperwork to the court with all financial info, request $ amount, and the non-custodial parent is then served to do the same. They are assigned a court date, and the judge ultimately decides how much the non-custodial parent has to pay depending on the kid’s needs and the parent’s gross income, bills, etc.  I think what errks and confuses me the most is when a parent is ordered to pay child support even with 50% custody and highly engaged in the kid’s life.  

Make that make sense. 

Some perspective…

Child support is just a smidge into the difficulties of being part of a step family dynamic.  This Sh*t is hard.  I sometimes wonder what nuclear families stress about on the daily. (Nuclear family is a term used to describe families where everyone is biologically related.)  

Let’s start with a little story to walk you through the feeeels of child support.  

You are married to a man who pays child support and has his child 50% of the time.  And because you’re married, your money is seen as one even if you have  separate bank accounts. You pay bills together, budget together, invest, save, and make large purchases.   You start to feel settled in financially and begin to feel like you can breathe.  The relief of a double income can be liberating from stress and anxiety.  Worries are subsiding, there’s nothing like being able to enjoy the fruits of your labor together.... especially after a rough patch of overdue bills, living pay check to pay check, and constant stress of “How are we going to make it?”. 

Your relief is short lived when you hear that your husband is being served again for child support. Then, dread seeps in.  That heaviness in your stomach takes over and you begin to stress and worry about how much is being asked for. Hundreds or thousands this time? Will she get what she’s asking for? The aspect that drives me up the wall is when the reasons for another serve are reasons that have no relation to the child.  Yes everyone, this is very common. And because I’m a woman married to a man; I’m talking about women doing shit like this. Reasons stemming from not wanting to work, being unable to provide the most basic needs that every parent should provide; especially as a custodial parent. The true audacity it takes a woman to not do her part as the mother and to want to milk the man for everything he has just for some unresolved animosity (Click Here to check out my blog on how to deal with an ex, here I share some mental and emotional perspective). 

Money is such a personal concept, it’s something that you work hard for, and it is not something that you just freely give away without personal choice.  It feels discouraging, exposing, hopeless, and like you have no control of your financial boundaries.   That is what it is, no boundaries.  Imagine what it’s like for someone who does not belong in your family, in your home, or in your marriage; to come and to try stick their hand in your personal piggy bank. The ugliness of such personal boundaries being crossed and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. That’s the worst part. 

So you’re left with the stress of watching your husband stress on having to fill out a stack of paper work again, with every question under the sun (they might as well ask our blood type and if we’ve taken a shit today 😆).  And you know what the best part is?  (Cue sarcasm), You, as the wife, have to include your personal information too! How fun! Things like your gross income, your SS#, employment, tax information, what you had for breakfast that day and so on! Talk about exposing yourself and to the wrong person at that 😃 (the ex.) 

Disclaimer: the courts legally cannot take your income, as the spouse, for a child that is not yours. As said by my husband’s previous lawyer.  Your income, however, is used in a way to determine if the court can take more from your husband since you have an income at all. It’s a double-edged sword to have a great paying job in this scenario. On top of that, giving such personal information, involuntarily, for a process that has nothing to do with you feels violating. 

So here we are…

I have no magical clinical solution for you. I can preach about self-care and what not.  But let’s just say it, this situation is bullshit.  What can I say?  

I will say this though, the only thing that is giving me an ounce of hope is knowing that this is temporary.  This will NOT last forever.   (T-Minus 5 years 😝)

Whether you’re dating someone who has kids, you’re engaged, or married; remember it is ALL temporary.  And if you’ve made it this far without being in any of the above categories, thanks for remaining curious.  Hopefully you’ve learned something today.