Dating a Man Who Has a Kid. Should I? Should I not?

This blog post is dedicated to the (childless or child free) women out there who have either just met or are considering dating a man who has a child, and who are having a hard time with the idea of being with someone who has kids. I hope this post brings some validation and clarity to you.

            There are women out there who completely thrive being a stepmom (You go girls!). There are women who don’t automatically indulge in the idea but are open to the possibility of potentially becoming a stepmom (More power to ya!).  Then, there are women, like yours truly, who resist and reject the single notion of becoming a stepmom (I hear ya!).  To each their own, so cut the shaming bullshit.

Buckle up!

            Let’s paint a scenario.  You met a man that you completely adore to the moon and back.  He has all the qualities you have been searching for and more.  You see yourself spending every Saturday night with him watching movies, cuddling, and munching on take out. Then, reality settles in and…. He has a child! (oh the horror!).  

            Let me start by saying all the feelings that you are experiencing are completely valid! The confusion, annoyance, jealousy, frustration, anger, all of it! Throw in the uncomfortable, yet common thoughts ..

“ I wish he didn’t have a kid.”

“ I don’t like his kid.”

“ Ugh it’s so annoying how the schedule always changes!”

“ the ex is such a bitch!”

“ Is this worth it?”

            If you walk away from this post with only one lesson let it be this, NEVER allow anyone to shame and belittle you with insensitive comments and harsh judgements about your raw feelings and your thoughts around this topic.  I say this very loudly and boldly because when I was in your position of deciding/newly dating my now husband, I was harshly judged and shamed because I held a very unpopular opinion.  The amusing part was that the most judgmental people were people who have never been in a relationship like this.  

Funny how that works. 

            I was so desperate to find validation and support that I turned to Google ( yea, that wasn’t the brightest idea)  and every article sounded like this..

“if you don’t accept the kid and love the kid as your own, shame on you!”

“You knew what you were getting yourself into .”

“ You need to be a mother figure, if not you’re mean!”.

            Listen people, not only are these comments untrue, they are severely insensitive, ignorant, belittling, and just not helpful.  

            Because at the end of the day, all we want is to be seen, heard, and validated. 

So, how do I move forward??

            Is he worth it? No, not just 100% worth it…I mean 120% worth it. You decide what that means and looks like to you. For fun, let’s put this in perspective a bit.  If you’re dating a man who is abusive, a liar, rude, ignores your calls, or is remotely disrespectful in any way, this man would not be 120% worth it in my book. Because not only will you need to put up with his crap, but also a kid and baby mama drama?! ( Click Here for my previous blog on how to deal with a baby mama!) Hard pass!!  At the end of the day when child support, custody court, or unnecessary circus drama happens, the one thing that will keep you and your partner together is a solid, trusting, and respectful foundation. Without that, there is zero hope.

If you’ve gone this far and you’ve concretely determined this guy is 120% worth the angst that’s to come, then let’s talk coping skills and how I helped myself overcome the shame and judgement. 

1.     Social Support

Finding a circle of peers who are nonjudgmental, accepting, and great listeners are a great start.  Bonus if you find at least one peer who is also in the same predicament. Being connected with women who understand your experiences, whether it be online or in real life, makes you feel less alone and the shame of the hard emotions begins to slowly fade. 

2.     Therapy

Yes, therapy!  Therapy is a place where it is completely nonjudgmental and there is acceptance to openly share your thoughts and feelings all unfiltered. Plus, it can maybe allow you to explore the reasoning of your resistance in the first place. 

3.     Journal

Journaling helps you release emotions on to paper, if you let it.  It’s a place that is your own where you can write, draw, scribble, and pour out the rawness of your experience. It is better to release the tension on the page instead of releasing it in an argument in your new relationship or repressing it in your body. 

4.     Acceptance and clarity

This is the most important step in my book.  Acceptance of yourself and remembering that being clear is kind.  Accept that you may not want to be a traditional stepmom, accept that you may not want to take on a mother role, accept that you may hold some uncomfortable emotions about his kid or his situation.  The sooner you accept you as you, the easier it is to allow other people’s judgements of you brush off your shoulders.  Gain your power back as a woman and own it.  Also, be clear with your partner on where you stand.  That way he can make a decision if it’s a good match. 

            I hope this helps someone out there who is in a similar situation that I was in 7 years ago, with no idea on how to handle my unpopular and non-societal opinions and perspectives. 

At the end of the day, singling out men who have kids and placing them on the ‘no flight list’ is unfair and a huge loss for you.  Because within the crowd of men who have littles, there are a few gems out there waiting to be discovered 😉