Panic Attacks In All Its Glory and What I Did To Be Panic Free.

(Disclaimer: This post is strictly for educational purposes only. While I’am a licensed therapist, this blog does not take the place of therapy and is not a diagnostic tool.  Please seek out a therapist in your area for questions and/or treatment.)

Thursday February 3rd, 2012, 10 years ago this week, my life changed. 

I was laying in bed talking to my now husband on the phone and I was telling him how I couldn’t believe I was sick again. I was beginning to get worried that something else was wrong with me because I just didn’t feel good.  I had visited the doctor earlier that day and I was prescribed some antibiotics. 

It was around 10pm when my phone call ended.  I set my phone down and I laid back down hoping to just fall asleep, I was so exhausted.  Within 10 minutes of my attempt on getting comfy in bed, I began to slowly notice that my breathing started to escape me.  I sat up and I felt like I could not catch my breath and something told me that I was not going to be able to breathe.  I looked down at my left hand as I noticed my fingertips starting to tingle and shortly after my left arm went numb.  At this point I was scared, confused, and I had no idea what was happening. It was almost like my body was slowly betraying me. 

I tried my hardest to remain calm as I walked over to my parent’s bedroom to wake up my mom, I needed help. 

Within, what felt like seconds, I began to have sharp chest pains, my heart felt like it was going to explode from my chest, my throat was tight as if I was being choked, I could not catch my breathing for the life of me, and I had an abrupt sense of doom completely wash over me.  A fear so strong, where it makes you legit believe you are going crazy and you have zero control over anything…...neither your mind nor your body.  This was complete betrayal and debilitating.  I Lost my Sanity. 

 I rushed to the ER believing, down to my core, I was going to die from a heart attack.  Once in the ER the nurse said “ Oh you’re fine, it was just a panic attack. Just listen to some music and take a hot shower next time.”   By this time I was medicated and calm, I could breathe again.  But I was so confused about what had just happened. I remember thinking, “ What the hell is a panic attack? Is this normal? How did it happen? Will it happen again? Is there something wrong with me?”

The next 2 weeks were a complete blur of me anticipating my next panic attack, visiting 4 different doctors for EKGs because I was determined to confirm that I was having a heart attack. Followed by round the clock panic attacks, I stopped eating, I lost 10 pounds in 5 days, and I couldn’t leave my house let alone get out of bed.  My mom slept with me for those two weeks because I’d wake up in the middle of the night reliving that first panic attack and screaming for someone to call 911. 

I completely isolated myself from everyone. It was a very lonely time.  

I was living with my earphones on 24hrs a day because I couldn’t keep my thoughts from racing.  I couldn’t control my thinking and in order to keep my mind distracted, music was my only option to feel somewhat sane. I remember having this intense fear of wanting to run away, and what made it scarier was knowing that I could not run away from myself….that fact made this experience even more terrifying. 

She fights for her sanity…

I started attending therapy after the 4th doctor had recommended I get some help.  Therapy was where I began to heal.  For the next 3 months, I would attend 1x weekly sessions where I felt like I was fighting to get out of this deep dark hole of panic. I practically had to claw my way out and fight for my sanity, I knew I wasn’t “crazy”.  Therapy was nowhere near easy.  I remember moments of leaving sessions and feeling a dark cloud hanging over my head, while wondering when it was all going to end.  

I continued seeing my therapist for 4 years and it was there where I learned the benefits and the skills on using my breath as an anchor, knowing what helps me ground myself in the moments of anxiety and panic, and the calmness of meditation.  

Journaling became a sanctuary where I was unfiltered and raw.  A place to write out the good, the bad, and the unbearable. Where I processed my emotions, practiced gratitude, managed my thought process, and found inner peace. 

As she progresses…

With the skills I have practiced and acquired through therapy, in addition with my clinical training, I have been panic free for 10 years. With Mindfulness and Meditation, I have been able to become extremely familiar with my body, mind, and emotional health to know well enough my triggers and symptoms that can lead me down a path of panic.  

Throughout the years, I’ve been able to reduce my odds of falling back down that deep dark hole by understanding how anxiety shows up in my body and being aware of the signs of panic. 

Here is a perfect example, the last time my left arm went numb was in 2015 at my grandfather’s funeral.  In that moment, I redirected myself to my breathing and I began to use the tapping method to ground myself ( I have a reel about the tapping method on my IG!).  After a couple of minutes and some focus, my arm was no longer numb and my symptoms did not progress. 

There’s Hope…

As of today, my earliest warning sign of anxiety is a change in my body temperature.  I know when that happens, anxiety is rearing its ugly head and I jump right into my breathing exercises.

I’d like to point out that 10 years ago was pre-psychology, pre-knowledge of mental health, and pre-training of clinical skills.  I was similar to some of you reading this, where I had limited understanding and  pure curiosity about anxiety and panic. 

If you’d like more info on Panic and Anxiety, click Here

Being mindful of our body is one thing. When we learn how to manage our symptoms, that is where we see change in ourselves….

My intention here was to share my story and to share what worked for me.  Please take what works and leave what doesn’t.  

Here is what worked for me. 

1.     Breathing Exercises.

The breath can be very healing and transformative.  It helps bring you back into your body and in the present.  Like they say in meditation, your breath is your anchor.  That way if you find yourself drifting away in your thoughts, your breath brings you right back into your body and has the power to calm the mind.  

2.     Meditation 

Meditation helped me surrender, acknowledge, and accept my thoughts.  It also helped me stay in tune with my inner self and my body, leading to the best gift of really knowing myself.  I also found a place of inner peace, stillness, and calmness.  That way when things are rocky in life, I know how to get back to this place when I need to rebalance myself. 

                    Here is a little sample meditation. Try this out!

Find a comfortable spot with your spine straight and settle in.  Feel the floor beneath you as you take a deep belly breath through your nose.  Feel the coolness of the air as it enters your nostrils. Feel your belly expand. Hold for 4 seconds. Exhale for 8 seconds through your mouth.  As you exhale, let out a sigh and picture something you want to surrender to and let go.  Repeat 4x.  You may notice some thoughts entering, that’s okay.  Picture yourself on a train looking out the window, you see your thoughts as you pass by. Acknowledge them and let them go. If an emotion makes an appearance, allow yourself to feel it in your body.  Then let it pass.

3.     Journal

Say what you will about journaling, but this saved me.  There is no single way on how to journal (I have a series on my IG on how to journal!😃).  You can follow a structured approach like prompt questions, you can free flow, draw, etc.  There are no rules!  I will say this, journaling helped me not only become sufficient in reflecting, but it helped me externalize my emotions so that way I don’t feel heavy and bombarded with emotional reactivity (basically putting my emotions on paper and not keeping them inside). 

4.     Mindfulness

The act of Mindfulness lays in the practice of remaining present in the moment, staying grounded, paying attention to your body, and your inner dialogue. Mindfulness occurs with the mixture of the above techniques.  Side note: I love mindfulness so much that I even completed a training and received a certificate in Mindfulness! 

5.     Therapy

Last but not least, seeing a therapist. Having a neutral nonjudgmental person sit with you during your most difficult time is essential. That way you can gain insight into yourself and your experience, and learn some coping skills on how to manage your symptoms. 

I hope this blog post helps someone out there who may be struggling with panic and/or anxiety!